BOOM... Life Changes

Life begins snuggled up all cozy and safe in the womb. We are warm, all our needs met, content and THEN… we are pushed out into the world and BOOM … in an instant Life changes

I believe we are challenged with constant change right from the beginning.

Growth means there’s gonna be change and all of everyone’s change out there is relatable to someone. Someone out there can understand what you are going through. We are not alone but man oh man as we get older, so many of us are conditioned to think we are, that we need to be an island, to show up as if we are a one woman show. For some reason some of us feel we have prove ourselves over and over and in many different ways.

Hi Im Heather and I wanted to share a bit of my story with you about Mid Life, change, managing and getting through it all. My story isn’t harrowing in the fact that I had a battle with a disease or the loss of a child or survived a car accident. What I did battle was my loss of connection to my Inner Goddess, my unexplained stuffing of my emotions that turned me into angry mom, the confusion of doing and being what everyone else needed but not feeling complete doing that. I battled feelings of not being good enough, not being perfect but god knows I tried. I battled with thinking my worries and my crazy was not worthy of talking about because it would just make me look like a whiner compared to the things other people seemed to be going through. (2min)

I remember the beginning of my awakening like it was yesterday. I started to wake up one day in the middle of the street…

I was working in a daycare with who is now my now very best friend – Side note, find your tribe and nurture them, we need people, we need connection as human beings, so find the people who belong in your tribe and hang with them through thick and thin –

SO yeah, I as working at the daycare that day and I was taking this little boy Ian to preschool and we were walking hand in hand towards my truck, or rather it was my husbands’ truck. At this point in my life I had three children ages 9, 13 and 15. Two girls and a boy in the middle. I had Super woman syndrome, my Dad was dying of cancer, a distracted marriage and just regular life stresses all happening around.

 As we walked up and got closer to the truck I could see someone hovering over it, it looked like they were giving me a ticket. I remember the stick man in my head started to give off barbs.

Ø  This is Carl, he is the stick man in my head that speaks the things I don’t normally say outloud, he is my inside voice the one that is filtered before I open my mouth… usually <

Carl was shouting, I cant get a ticket, I can’t afford it,  I cant tell my husband,  I am NOT parked illegally, fuck I really just cant take one more thing. Carl was getting out of control, bubbling up with anger that was spilling over. AND THEN I got close enough to see what had really happened. The back end of the driver’s side of the truck was completely smashed in and the garbage truck driver who did it was leaving me a note.

I took one look and I can tell you that the only thing that went through my mind as I hit the ground pretty dramatically on my knees was, I can’t do this anymore.

BOOM …. And life changes again.  (3:45)

 

 I felt like I lost my mind that day. It was the straw that broke the camels back and I was forever changed in that moment.    It is said when death visits your doorstep in one form or another it changes you, affects you like you never could have imagined. My Dad dying definitely triggered me in ways I had no idea. I was so overwhelmed I didn’t know what to do or where to turn.

I actually don’t remember the next while after that happened but I do know I picked myself up and kept moving because that’s what Super women do right?

I eventually decided to tackle something I could control, because control was very much my thing back then and I still struggle with it sometimes. I took on fitness and healthy living with a vengeance and ….. I lost all the weight!

BOOM!  Life Changes…

Now at a healthy weight of 125 I was feeling like a whole different person, inside and out. I no longer wanted to be who I had been living as for the past 20 years, superwoman, dedicated to doing everything perfectly, never saying no to anyone, not taking care of the emotional me. Having super woman syndrome actually turned me into angry mom and I didn’t like her. No one did, she wasn’t good for anyone. My love of family has always been big and important to me and I tried hard to instill the solidarity of family within my own children and still do to this day.  But the thing about Super woman syndrome is that I had to have control over the outcomes of everything and anyone.  Anyone who has kids knows that there is absolutely no control there and truthfully raising kids is so completely an “out of control” experience that when we try to govern in all it almost always ends in anger, frustration and tears. Usually by everyone. (5:37)

I also hated the thought of getting older, I hid my age, I started hiding my marriage, I was disconnected still from my inner goddess and I did things she never would have agreed to and my marriage disintegrated to anger, sadness and hate and I got a divorce.

BOOM…. Once again, Life Changes

After 20 years I was all alone. My kids and my husband left. My Kids were very angry, my family was very angry, they barely spoke to me for the better part of a year.  I had three women in my life who were and are my family and tribe that stuck by me My Nikki, Salena and My Arlene.

This was the hardest most harrowing time in my life. Loosing my childrens love and trust just about broke me.

What I learned about myself in that time was that I am resilient. I am as loving a person as they come, that I make mistakes both whopping big ones and tiny overlooked ones and they all matter. That I am actually the embodiment of strength and it doesn’t matter what gets thrown at me or how many times I get pushed down I ALWAYS will and did get back up. I dug deep, deeper than I ever even knew I could and never gave in to the sadness as a whole and I NEVER gave up on my children. Family is Family no matter what, or who lives with who or where we are spread out too.  Somewhere in all this messy life stuff happening I managed to become a personal trainer and take a course that now allows me to be a life coach. I knew when I came out the other side of this that my purpose in life was to help other women navigate through life’s messy parts and help them to not feel so alone in it all.

During the course of that year of being alone and finishing my life coaching course I began to discover my Inner Goddess again. I know now that the feeling of happiness and being inspired is being connected and that when I’m connected my vibrational energy can be contagious and like a magnet.

The day she resurfaced for me will forever be ingrained in my heart and soul.

I was only three weeks into coaching classes and surrounded by people substantially younger than me aside from one other amazing woman that joined me in middle age. She is a truly remarkable woman

We were directed to participate in a physical exercise… There were three stages to this , three sets of musical interludes with three different actions to do

When the first musical melody began to play we were to stand on our mats and move our bodies but keep our feet planted.  I was feeling a lot of anger, stupid exercise, I wanted to get on with the real learning. The stickman in my head was rolling his eyes into the back of his head so far that my eyes were hurting…. But I did as I was asked.

During the second set of music you were to move your whole body and feet and you didn’t have to stay on the mat, This second set starts and all I remember is feeling so angry. I was the kind of angry that the hulk harbours with expendable energy and the stick man in my head was kicking and screaming like  two yr old wanting to refuse this exercise. I took a couple of deep breaths and told myself no one gives a shit Heather about your stupid feelings and your not getting to the gym today so you might as well move your ass while you have the chance. SO RUN!  Carl stopped his tantrum and screamed at me to MOVE. So I did, I ran on the spot so hard that by the time the music changed again I’m pretty sure I had started a glowing sweat.

When the third change of music started we were supposed to get comfortable on the mat and just sit. When the sound of the gong went off we were allowed to get up and leave the room.

PHEW! I can stop now, and just sit until the stupid gong goes off and we can get back to the real learning.

SO I sat down criss-cross applesauce style and finally took a breath. Carl was done… laid out flat.

I closed my eyes and just kept breathing, and then I don’t know what happened.  A flood of emotion overwhelmed me in a way I had never felt before. It was like every emotion I had been carrying around in my buckets spilled out.  The tears started to fall and I couldn’t stop them. They started to get out of control coming fast and furious and I was mortified curling up into the smallest tightest ball I could manage, hiding my head in my lap. 17 strangers were still in that room and here I am crying so hard, hyperventilating, so many thoughts racing through my brain and nothing at all all at the same time. The stick man in my head was running around in circles by this time not knowing what to do.

It was such an unbelievably vulnerable moment for me and I had no idea what was happening, One thing was certain, I wasn’t about to lift my head and be even more vulnerable seeing people look at me in this state. I was glued to the mat. My teacher had moved close to me and nudged a Kleenex box closer- god knew I needed it-

Eventually I heard the gong, still crying but relieved when I started to hear people shuffling and leaving. When it was silent and I was sure everyone had left and it was safe to finally lift my head I did and what I saw filled me up so full that the tears began again but this time with unbelievable gratitude.

Surrounding me in a circle were 17 strangers, love, kindness and understanding pouring out of them. These people were “seeing me” as Id never been seen before and it was ok.

This day, this moment I felt myself flicker and begin to wake up, feeling my inner goddess reaching for me full of love and joy!

BOOM … Life Changes  (12min)

After that there was a lot of forgiving and working through a myriad of everything. I knew that I needed help finally and that it was ok to ask for it. I eventually found strength in the asking.

It was like holding your breath for what feels like forever and then finally being able to let it out.

I learned that it was ok to say no and that my feelings mattered and were in fact important

I visited with a coach and counsellor who helped me talk things out and see things that had been staring me in the face for so long. Greg was really a big part of my saving grace, he coached and counselled me through all of it and I don’t know if I would have come through it all with the outlook I have now without him.  My three musketeers, my baseline tribe, Nikki, Arlene and Salena, these are the women that will forever be in my heart, they stood by me and I never felt judged, even when I was judging the shit out of myself They just rode the crazy out with me and held so much space for my mess that I couldn’t help but feel love and connection from them

Reconnecting to one’s self is a TON of work and if anyone tells you its not or that its as simple as being positive I give you free reign to call bullshit and point them in my direction.

We all need and crave connection as human beings, so when I say find your tribe and hold them close please hear me. If you haven’t already go out there and find the people who know how to love you without conditions, without judgement and keep them in your circle.  (14 min)

There is much more to this story but I will tell you my relationships with my family and my children have gotten better during the last few years and we have repaired a lot of the damage between us.

I worked on me and my life and got very close to my inner goddess and learned to love myself and who I am inside and out…. And then

BOOM LIFE CHANGES!

IN 2017 I  was truckin along doing my thing , smiling more, feeling inspired to do amazing things, and that was when it happened….

I met someone and within months we knew that this was going to be an epic love story.

I sold off my whole life, 2 businesses, all my belongings except what I could fit into a 9 cubic ft van and I moved 1236 kilometers and one province away from everything I knew. I left behind my children who were 24, 22 and 19 but just because they were older did not make it any easier. It was so unbelievably hard and still is. My base tribe, the ones who love me unconditionally and know me inside and out through all of the good the bad and the ugly … they live 12 hours away! But I knew that I couldn’t miss this opportunity to have the kind of love and connection I felt with this man.

And so I moved…. Into a home where there were three more children all under the age of 17, a home where their had mother passed away only barely a year before and when I got here, I sat in the middle of all of this and Carl, the stick man in my head says…. Shaking his finger…. Well you’ve really done it now! 15;47

There have been lots of growing pains for not only me, but all 6 of our kids and us as a couple in the last 10 months and if you didn’t already know life is work and relationships take effort but the beauty in that is that if we are on the right path, and we are all working together its always all worth it. (16min)

Mid life is crazy, full of emotion and mistakes. In my experience I felt alone a lot of the time and like no one understood what was going on for me. I felt like all that I was going through wasn’t worthy of the feelings that I was having and I know now that none of that is true. I now want to make it my life’s purpose to help other women through their life’s messy parts and make damn sure they know they are not alone, helping them navigate their journey knowing that their story counts just as much as anyone elses.